crush fuel
02.20.2025 BY ENBE
I speak in riddles when in love,
dance around my words like a drum.
I feel.
Pretending not to when I do.
Who are you next to?
I care.
Weary growing, rivers ever-flowing,
spring, summer, & autumn leaves blowing.
I’m numb.
The Addiction:
Writing this poem felt pretty natural to the current conundrum i’ve stumbled upon. Of all the vices I indulge in, crush fuel is the hardest addiction to beat. I hope this missive translates well.
Helpless to my desires to feel, dedicated to my stamina to continue. Even if I know I cannot.
Love is not the easiest wave I’ve surfed, but the one I move boundlessly to tame.
When I feel a sudden emergence of romance, physically, I’m restrained to it... but emotionally? Unattainable.
Crush Fuel.
This feeling doesn’t come often, which makes the drug more desirable. Dealers carry it online and irl for your choosing, but not all are good quality. It’s your picking, but when it’s the right stuff, you feel emotionally bound to ride that high.
For me, there are set rules. I’m a clean user.
Pick wisely; Choose the right strain and ask questions.
Decide what your dosages are or what you can and cannot handle. Never get too many ounces and never too little.
Choose the right strain and ask questions.
Ingest in comfortable dosages throughout the desired time you both share.
Respect the balance; ride your high and get off when you need space.
Repeat.
Often, we feel indifferent about the source of our crush fuel. Who are they? Where did they come from? What do they want? Fearful of the answer yet calling your dealer for more.
Does our lack of consistent & genuine irl interactions make us addicted to crush fuel when we’re lonely? Hitting it to the brain like a whip-it. Hoping to tingle our neurons to produce sweet dopamine.
Does the current society we live in that constantly reminds us of the fore-looming ending to our civilization play a part? Day is good? Plane crash. Life is well? Economic crash. Having fun? Civil war. Ya sad? $1000 therapy session with Dr.Phil.
No longer able to feel our emotions for another on a deep level due to a constant fear of death (ending). Chasing endings to escape while simultaneously becoming an addicted shadow. Nodding off at the bus stop with women and children wondering where your family is. Constantly running towards our ending, hoping to touch the climax. Falling before it ever comes leaving you headless, heartless and broken.
Knowing my usage of crush fuel while engaging in my current moments around me leaves me often perplexed. Day daydreaming into delusion to remind me of the taste. While staring in amazement at the peonies that look before me. Love. Blush and suede to make my days, and smelling the scent of leathers.
Hoping one day, just one day, I don’t see the tragedy that might lie before me as I take my last hit.
Crush fuel.
-NB
Officially written by Nia Burston
02.20.2025
